A Word to the Wise: A Word to Avoid

I’m not talking about the N-word or the B-word or the C-word, or even the F-word; though there are damned few times when uttering any of those syllables actually help a situation. I’m talking about that personally pernicious word that simultaneously lets you off the hook even as it dumps you into a psychological pit. I’m talking about the S-word: should.

According to Merriam-Webster, this auxiliary verb expresses obligation, propriety or expediency: i.e. he/she/it should keep their mouth shut/drive slower/get a better hair cut; versus you should call your mother/take out the garbage/read a novel; versus I should get a new job, exercise more/write my congressional representative.

The first instance — directing ‘should’ in the third person — is gossip; which is almost always fun in the moment but starts tasting rancid the moment it escapes the mouth. The second — directing ‘should’ in the second person — is judgment; and unless someone solicits your opinion, keep it to yourself. The third — directing ‘should’ at yourself — is an excuse; equating the desire to lose weight/stop smoking/sleep more with the effort of actually doing it.

I first recognized the crutch of ‘should’ in the 1990’s. In my post-marriage/pre-Internet years, I sometimes frequented gay bars. Too many times, the first or second thing out of an engaging guy’s mouth was, “I should lose ten pounds.” A line always prompted me to move on. In part because I have a penchant for hefty guys, and often found those extra ten pounds attractive…